To be or not to be??
Sometimes it's easier just not to be.
Easier to not exist.
Easier to escape when existence is the main reason of escape. Why does it have to be so difficult.
Just to be who I want to be?
Or to be who others want me to be? No matter the path I take I always end up here. Stuck! In this same place.
This dark place!
This dark cold place!
I hate how i feel.
I hate how it makes me feel.
These feelings that I can't express.
Exposé.
These dark and twisted feelings that make me feel so vulnerable.
So incompetent of my own emotions.
I fear for how I will be perceived.
I fear for the lack of control that I will emote.
There's no way that i can suddenly release every emotion at once.
Every thought.
Every mind set that has occurred.
In reality that can never happen.
That's just me.
That's just matilda.
I'm hard to understand and I'm hard to be explained.
Thats just me.
I've come to realise it and I hope the people around me can also come to accept it.
There is no way that I will ever let go.
Sometimes I wish I was different.
Sometimes I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs and let go.
But I can't.
I can't let go of who I am and of how I am.
If that's not good enough then I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I don't cry at any moment of time.
I'm sorry that I find it hard tho express myself.
I'm sorry that I don't have the ability to connect with people emotionally.
I'm sorry I'm not anyone but myself.
I can only be me.
I can't change myself.
No matter how much I would like to.
I can't.
I've tried and I have not been able to succeed.
So that's that.
I'm done.
Emotionally, physically and mentally.
Im drained and I'm tired.
I just want the world to stop spinning and just stop for one second.
And for everyone to stop and take a deep breathe. Then move on.
Hopefully then I will feel ok. I will feel refreshed and renewed.
Hopefully then I will become the person that I want to be.
But thats not gonna happen.
Like ever!
So I just keep it moving!
Txx
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