Who cares about trust anyway?? (retracting my earlier post on trust)

so i trust you and tell you things.

my feelings.

my emotions.

how i view things.

and you quickly just stab me in the back.

stab me until every possible hole in my back is dripping with blood.

you slowly drain the life out of me by constantly re-opening all my old wounds.

you say 'dont worry you can trust me' but as soon as i turn my back, i feel the knife going in.

the sharpest knife that you could ever find.

you clearly dont care.

or perhaps you just dont understand the meaning of trust.

but then again who cares about trust anyway.

who cares what impact it has on a person.

no one.

but its ok.

 i will quickly get over this.

over you.

over all of this crap.

but one thing is for sure...

i am really disappointed.

disappointed that you couldn't see the trail of blood that i have been dragging along with me.

disappointed that you had to add to the trail.

that enless trail of disgust.

wow haha.

i should have known.

who cares about trust anyway?

i just realised.

Friend 4 Life...

Growing up I was always told to make my family my number one priority. That friends will come and go but your family is always there.

I took that literal.

Shame on them because I have made some amazing friends who have become more than family.

Shame on me because I might not have these friends if I listened.

I think that one of the perks of life is having friends.
Meeting those important people that you know will be there for you no matter what. Thats what I call a true friend.

A friend for Life!

 In the worst of your struggles, thats when these people come around because they know that you need them.

There is nothing better than getting a phone call from a friend just when your day starts to fall apart.

Someone to put a smile on your face.

A friend for Life!

I feel like I would be completely lost without my friends.
There are days when I would rather be on my own due to my own insecurities, but in all honesty I light up like a flame when a friend comes round.

In a way I think that anyone who claims to not need the comfort of friendship is rather stange.

Having the chance to talk and laugh along to general things is the one thing that I love to do with my friends.

A friend for Life!!
I have a few of those

Txx

Remember me...

Its crazy how much I want you to call.
How much I want to hear your voice.
To hear you say how proud you are of me.
How much you love me.
How much you want me to succeed.

But we both know that is far from reality.
That is far from what you are going to do.

To you I might aswel be a stranger.
I might aswel be someone that has no importance to you.
Because that is exactly how I feel.

You don't care about me.
I scares me to think that you never have.
And that maybe you never will.


Its a sad thought really.
How someone who is supposed to be the most important person in my life has become the one who just couldn't care less.

That bond.
I envy my friends who have that in their lives.
The bond I crave to have with you.
The bond that would make everything feel good again.

It scares me.
Scares me to think that this could be it.
That this could be life for me now.

Is this what I really want?
Is this how I want things to be?

I have no idea.
No idea whatsoever.

All I know is that im not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself.
Feel sad that I don't have you in my life anymore.

No!

Im gonna get up and excel in everything I do.
I will win in life.

And someday I will make sure that my child does not ever feel this way.
Because I will care.
And I will love.
And I will be proud of my life.
Thats all that I can do.

I really do love you.
And I hope that one day i can just tell you all my feelings face to face.

But until then, This will do.

Txx

Shadow..

Take me or Leave me!For who i am!

 There is no way that i will change myself just to fit in with the status quo.
 
As they say life is what u make it. just because you fit in a certain category of life does not mean that this should be the case. 

For in stance if society places you in  what is claimed to be your natural habitat then it is in your own interest to change this view and to make the most of diversity. 

I think that there is no point living life always looking over your shoulders just because you are classed as the odd one. 

To me life's limitations should always be taken on with an open mind.

For this to happen i think that we should all show a little bit of courtesy to the one labelled as the loner. 

We need to make life easier for each other in order for societies understanding of individuality to take full affect.

So just to put this simply, Life is not worth living in someone's shadow. 

Txx

Why i Write..

I love to write.

I think ever since I learnt how to hold a pen, I've just been fascinated by how Ive been able to come up with words that express how I feel.

I started writing stories and plays as I realised that I have an extremely vivid imagination. 
These stories were just a way of entertainment for a while but that quickly changed as I started to use it as a means of escape.

I've always found it hard to express myself vocally to people and because of this I spent most of my childhood and teenage years being angry and frustrated with myself and others.

Slowly I felt like I was losing my identity and that being me was the hardest thing that I could do. 
I lost all emotional connection with myself.

At that time I realised that even though writing is a skill I have, it can also be a way that I can be able to express all my emotions through my words.

Because of this I started writing this blog. 
So far I feel like i have been able to find peace in myself and my abilities.


Txx

Creation

As a child I have always been bullied about my weight and how I'm not pretty like the other girls. 

I hated my body so much I wish I didn't EVEN EXIST.
I thought secondary school would be different, no one will care about how you look or who you are. Guess what  I was proved wrong! There was one boy that made my life living hell. 

Everyday he will say how I'm to fat, I need to lose weight. 

I just froze. 

I wanted to be  strong and show him no satisfactory but..... I couldn't!

Now! I have gain so much confidence in myself thanks to my dear family. 

However the most important person that can get you out of your problems is you!, 

No one knows you better than yourself. 

 (extract by my cousin Anell)

There was a time when I didn’t understand.
Why? Do we have religion?
How? Much suffering can one overcome?
When? Will it be over?
Why? Is it so hard?

But now I know that these questions were just a way for me to say, “I don’t believe.” But now I know! I know why. I know how. And I know when.

I used to look in the mirror each day and think, why am I not as pretty as the rest? Why am I not as skinny as the rest?
NOW I KNOW! I am me and you are you. I am unique and different from everyone around me. I am me! I am my own person. No one in the world can ever say that they are the same as me. I am unique, an individual.

As I say this over and over I believe it. As I know that I have been made different so that I stand out, not only on the outside but also by what I stand for.

Ways that I have come to appreciate myself is, by taking a mental note of my good characteristics and complement myself on them.

To me our bodies are a replica of who we are, what we think of ourselves and what we stand for.
For someone to instil a hurtful thought in a child's mind that they are not as God wanted them to be. To even utter the word that child is not special just because they are different is to me, the worst thing anyone can say. 

Everyone on this earth is a creation of God.

There is no reason why another human being should feel like they can tell someone else that they are worthless or that they do not matter.

It is unacceptable.

It is so wrong that just because someone is a different size that they are made to feel like they want an end. 

That is just not right.

I personally have felt this way and i would hate for anyone to feel like that.

Mostly because of this i have always had such low self esteem. 

But not any more.

I refuse to let what ignorant people say to get the best of me.

I will stand up for the minority.

And i will say enough is enough!!

No one deserves to be made a mockery of because of how they look like.

I will take that stand.

Whether alone or otherwise, 

I will share the gift of this creation.

Txx

The new and improved me!

My goal in life:
Ultra- happiness.
How: to acheive emotional, psychological and physical happiness.
To leave all the negativity behind me and strive forward to acheive all my goals in life.

Its always easy in life to forget what matters most.
 To forget that its ok to be happy.
 Or that its ok to smile.
Sometimes the smallest thing makes me smile.
Like waking up everyday to see the sun shining.
Or taking a deep breath of fresh air as I step out of my front door.
That always makes me smile.

I have a new out look on life on a whole.
Its what you make it.
 Its how you live it that makes the difference whether you laugh or cry.
Whether you live each day to the fullest.
I think that's the most important thing.
There's no point in waking up every morning and not appreciating what you have.
To me That's just selfish.
That's just another way of saying, take my life away!
Just because we go throught so much trials and tribulations in life doesn't mean we have to give up.
It doesn't mean that we have to stop taking that deep breath.
That's just life.
Some days are brighter than the other.
 So we need to take each day as it come and just hope and pray that there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
I feel that there really isn't much that anyone can do to eliminate the element of problem from their life.
That's why we all need to assist and help each other to achieve that ultra happiness.
That extra piece of fulfillment that we all need.

That's the only way that I think we can make in this world.

Txx

The Broken Mirror

So, i'm truly alone.  

i was born alone so why did i think life would be different.

people who are supposed to love and care about me are the ones who have left and isolated me.

friends who are supposed to be there no matter what, are the ones ignoring my cries of help.

alone. 

such a simple word, yet the one word that describes this pain the most.

this pain of abandonment. 

this pain of regret.

this pain of the lost i feel in my heart.

alone.

some may say i brought this upon myself.

then again maybe i did.

i caused my own loneliness by making my feelings heard.

by making sure that for once in my entire life, my voice was heard.

even above the wails of my subconscious screaming no, i was heard.

even if what i said was not something i should have said, i was heard.

loud and clear.

i am taking my things and leaving.

that's exactly what i said.

who knows if i would have said those exact words if i knew what lay ahead of me.

i know, i would have.

i know this because there is no way that i will let this unfortunate event get the best of me.

i will not speak.

i will not think.

i will just move forward.

i will make sure that my life does not become what they predicted.

that i will make sure that i am of worth.

that i become someone who i am proud of.

then, and only then will i be able to say, thank you.

thank you for leaving me.

thank you for helping me to love myself more than you love me.

thank you for showing me that i can do anything.

i can achieve anything.

alone.

without you.

thank you for this unfortunate event that has shaped my life.

my life that i now adore.

thank you for not caring enough.

because now i care soo much.

thank you for that unfortunate event that showed me that i don't need you.

that i don't need to rely on you.

that i can rely on myself.

now i know.

that's what i will say.

that's what i will say when i've made it.

when i've made it alone.

alone.

who ever said alone was unfortunate.

a weakness.

well i will make this weakness my strength.

because you shattered a broken mirror.

i will make the glue to put it back together again.

Txx

Trust is never just given...

In my life there have been a lot of people who have some what trust. These people mostly include older family friends/ associates. To me trust is neither given or sort out. As a civilised human being you have to gain trust from the people around you. You have to behave in a certain way for people to find you trust worthy. I also think that trust is linked to respect.

Growing up in a conservative African home one of the typical phrases that I was frequently told was, "respect your elders"...I certainly found it very difficult to follow this teaching. I would always think why should I respect someone who does not deserve it. Someone who has no care for me or my dreams and ambitions.

That is impossible. All I can do is keep my feelings to myself. There is no reason for me to pretend that I have some sort of respect for them when clearly I don't.
there are other people in my life that I can easily trust. respect. because they give me a reason to. they understand me and don't try to put me down.

That's the kind of people I trust and respect. some of these people are my brothers Michael and George. Michael's wife Abi and George's fiancée phoebe. these people have been great influences in my life and I trust them fully with my life. also my beautiful cousin Anell who needs to realise that she is so amazing and that there is nothing more special than her smile which lights the room.

T xx

Intro..

For 18 years I have found it extremely difficult to explain myself to people. As a result of this I have always felt lost and misunderstood. The purpose of this blog, is for me to be able to explain and go into detail of the day to day emotional roller-coaster that my mind takes me on. I know this may sound a little strange but hopefully I will be able to convey the true meaning of this through my words. 

T xx