Nothing left for me to do!

To be or not to be??

 Sometimes it's easier just not to be. 

Easier to not exist.

 Easier to escape when existence is the main reason of escape. Why does it have to be so difficult.
 Just to be who I want to be? 

Or to be who others want me to be? No matter the path I take I always end up here. Stuck! In this same place. 

This dark place! 

This dark cold place!

 I hate how i feel. 

I hate how it makes me feel. 
These feelings that I can't express. 

Exposé.

 These dark and twisted feelings that make me feel so vulnerable.
 So incompetent of my own emotions. 
I fear for how I will be perceived. 

I fear for the lack of control that I will emote.
 There's no way that i can suddenly release every emotion at once.

 Every thought. 

Every mind set that has occurred. 
In reality that can never happen. 

That's just me.

 That's just matilda. 

I'm hard to understand and I'm hard to be explained. 

Thats just me. 

I've come to realise it and I hope the people around me can also come to accept it. 

There is no way that I will ever let go.

 Sometimes I wish I was different. 

Sometimes I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs and let go.

 But I can't. 

I can't let go of who I am and of how I am.

 If that's not good enough then I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry that I don't cry at any moment of time. 

I'm sorry that I find it hard tho express myself.

 I'm sorry that I don't have the ability to connect with people emotionally. 

I'm sorry I'm not anyone but myself. 

I can only be me. 

I can't change myself. 

No matter how much I would like to. 

I can't. 

I've tried and I have not been able to succeed. 
So that's that. 

I'm done. 

Emotionally, physically and mentally. 

Im drained and I'm tired. 

I just want the world to stop spinning and just stop for one second. 
And for everyone to stop and take a deep breathe. Then move on.

 Hopefully then I will feel ok. I will feel refreshed and renewed. 

Hopefully then I will become the person that I want to be. 

But thats not gonna happen.  

Like ever! 

So I just keep it moving!

Txx

Help!!..I'm blocked!

The past couple months have been excruciating to be honest.

Not being able to let my feelings known.

Not being able to let my thoughts be heard.

My ability to create suddenly non existent. 

And with no explanation either.

They call it writers block.

That's what I've got.

Blocked from imagination.

Blocked from creation.

Not writing has been soo difficult for me as It has limited my form of expression. 

I don't know how but I have to find a solution.

What I'm truly missing in my life is inspiration.

A muse for my creative mind.

That's what I need.

So I've decided to start my search. 

Who knows what I'm looking for?

Help will be gladly received with open arms!!

So please don't hesitation.

Lets restore my creativity!!

Txx

Who cares about trust anyway?? (retracting my earlier post on trust)

so i trust you and tell you things.

my feelings.

my emotions.

how i view things.

and you quickly just stab me in the back.

stab me until every possible hole in my back is dripping with blood.

you slowly drain the life out of me by constantly re-opening all my old wounds.

you say 'dont worry you can trust me' but as soon as i turn my back, i feel the knife going in.

the sharpest knife that you could ever find.

you clearly dont care.

or perhaps you just dont understand the meaning of trust.

but then again who cares about trust anyway.

who cares what impact it has on a person.

no one.

but its ok.

 i will quickly get over this.

over you.

over all of this crap.

but one thing is for sure...

i am really disappointed.

disappointed that you couldn't see the trail of blood that i have been dragging along with me.

disappointed that you had to add to the trail.

that enless trail of disgust.

wow haha.

i should have known.

who cares about trust anyway?

i just realised.

Friend 4 Life...

Growing up I was always told to make my family my number one priority. That friends will come and go but your family is always there.

I took that literal.

Shame on them because I have made some amazing friends who have become more than family.

Shame on me because I might not have these friends if I listened.

I think that one of the perks of life is having friends.
Meeting those important people that you know will be there for you no matter what. Thats what I call a true friend.

A friend for Life!

 In the worst of your struggles, thats when these people come around because they know that you need them.

There is nothing better than getting a phone call from a friend just when your day starts to fall apart.

Someone to put a smile on your face.

A friend for Life!

I feel like I would be completely lost without my friends.
There are days when I would rather be on my own due to my own insecurities, but in all honesty I light up like a flame when a friend comes round.

In a way I think that anyone who claims to not need the comfort of friendship is rather stange.

Having the chance to talk and laugh along to general things is the one thing that I love to do with my friends.

A friend for Life!!
I have a few of those

Txx

Remember me...

Its crazy how much I want you to call.
How much I want to hear your voice.
To hear you say how proud you are of me.
How much you love me.
How much you want me to succeed.

But we both know that is far from reality.
That is far from what you are going to do.

To you I might aswel be a stranger.
I might aswel be someone that has no importance to you.
Because that is exactly how I feel.

You don't care about me.
I scares me to think that you never have.
And that maybe you never will.


Its a sad thought really.
How someone who is supposed to be the most important person in my life has become the one who just couldn't care less.

That bond.
I envy my friends who have that in their lives.
The bond I crave to have with you.
The bond that would make everything feel good again.

It scares me.
Scares me to think that this could be it.
That this could be life for me now.

Is this what I really want?
Is this how I want things to be?

I have no idea.
No idea whatsoever.

All I know is that im not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself.
Feel sad that I don't have you in my life anymore.

No!

Im gonna get up and excel in everything I do.
I will win in life.

And someday I will make sure that my child does not ever feel this way.
Because I will care.
And I will love.
And I will be proud of my life.
Thats all that I can do.

I really do love you.
And I hope that one day i can just tell you all my feelings face to face.

But until then, This will do.

Txx

Shadow..

Take me or Leave me!For who i am!

 There is no way that i will change myself just to fit in with the status quo.
 
As they say life is what u make it. just because you fit in a certain category of life does not mean that this should be the case. 

For in stance if society places you in  what is claimed to be your natural habitat then it is in your own interest to change this view and to make the most of diversity. 

I think that there is no point living life always looking over your shoulders just because you are classed as the odd one. 

To me life's limitations should always be taken on with an open mind.

For this to happen i think that we should all show a little bit of courtesy to the one labelled as the loner. 

We need to make life easier for each other in order for societies understanding of individuality to take full affect.

So just to put this simply, Life is not worth living in someone's shadow. 

Txx

Why i Write..

I love to write.

I think ever since I learnt how to hold a pen, I've just been fascinated by how Ive been able to come up with words that express how I feel.

I started writing stories and plays as I realised that I have an extremely vivid imagination. 
These stories were just a way of entertainment for a while but that quickly changed as I started to use it as a means of escape.

I've always found it hard to express myself vocally to people and because of this I spent most of my childhood and teenage years being angry and frustrated with myself and others.

Slowly I felt like I was losing my identity and that being me was the hardest thing that I could do. 
I lost all emotional connection with myself.

At that time I realised that even though writing is a skill I have, it can also be a way that I can be able to express all my emotions through my words.

Because of this I started writing this blog. 
So far I feel like i have been able to find peace in myself and my abilities.


Txx